perspective

overwhelmed with love

We had a good day today.  Nothing special, but just one of those days- a minimum of tantrums, a large amount of listening, no fighting between the boys.  There are days where I can't wait until everyone goes to bed, and I breathe a sigh of relief when I sit down with my medicinal bowl of chocolate ice cream, but today wasn't one of them.

I have had an unfortunate reminder to keep everything in perspective.  A woman I went to college with, who was a best friend of my best friend, Amanda, passed away earlier this week.  She had two young boys; the younger one just a few weeks older than my guys.  When Amanda was here to run the Broad Street Run with me, she told me that her friend was not doing well.  Since then I have been thinking about all the things she'll miss in her boys' lives, and how hard it will be for them to grow up without their mommy.

So on days where I can't wait for my quiet time, I remember that there are people who would give anything for one more day filled with mundane details, one more day where "nothing special" happens, but where you get to hug and kiss your babies, watch them eat and grow, watch them run and play.  One more day to bathe their perfect little bodies, towel them off to smiles and laughs, dress them in clean pajamas, and kiss them goodnight.  One more hug, and one last sniff of their special child scent.  The things I do almost everyday as a parent, the duties which blur together after days of repetition, but which, when you look at them, are precious.

It is a gift to have this life, and easy to get caught up in the frustrations that come with having three children and forget what privilege I have.  It's a reminder to me that I am blessed beyond measure, and nothing should be taken for granted.

Mothers Day Weekend

Friday night we went and had Shabbat dinner at the park with our friends:

Adam and Charlotte on the swings

Benjamin and Maddie on the drums

Maddie, Benjamin, and Asher. 3 little monkeys!

Benjamin and Maddie

Saturday morning:

After a special trip with Daddy

Big girl enjoying her jumper

Saturday night, Aunt Elana was in town, and we went out for a grown ups only dinner.  I left all 3 kids with a sitter for the first time, and we came home to 3 sleeping children, so it was a success!

This morning we made brunch at Meema and Papa Nick's, and Grandpa David joined us.  Charlotte had her first taste of food that wasn't breast milk- a little taste of honeydew melon.

This afternoon we attended a birthday party at our neighbors'.  Our neighbor, Hila, was so creative- it was a Dora the Explorer party, and she had put out maps for the kids to color, and made each kid a backpack with their name on it.  Then the kids put on their backpacks and followed the map to find the missing birthday cake.  At each stop they got a little treat/favor.  There was a "jungle" with plastic animals, a bubble tower with little bubble bottles, Candy Land with candy, and a gorgeous cake at the end.  Asher had a great time, he has been talking about it ever since.  Here are the boys eating their cake:

I am a very lucky mommy, to have three beautiful children.  Who would have ever thought that I would have three kids?!?  I count my blessings every day (I am actually writing a post about that), so of course I woke up today thankful to see three smiling faces.  I also spent time thinking about the women for whom this day is particularly difficult- the women who badly want to be mothers but aren't yet, and the women who have lost their mothers.  I know it was a hard one for my mom, having lost P and her mom so recently, and it is always hard for my friend Shoshana, whose mother passed away almost 4 years ago.  I am so glad that I have my special mom here with me, and that we got to spend some time together (no kids!) today.

Being a mom is absolutely the most difficult thing I've ever done, but also the most wonderful.  There are no words to describe the intensity of my love for my children, and the pride I feel in all their accomplishments.  I could never have imagined how much I would adore my children, or that I would ever be this fortunate.  It is a gift to me to watch them grow, even if it happens far too quickly.  I am the luckiest mommy on the planet, as I tell them everyday.

Ha! I did it!

At the finish!

I ran the Broad Street Run!  It was 10 miles (although my phone GPS says it was more, but who's to argue), and according to my official results, my pace was 10 minutes and 5 seconds a mile.  I am really proud of myself!

Showing off my number at the start

The run itself was so much fun (except for maybe the distance between mile 8 and mile 9.5).  The street was lined with people cheering on the runners and giving high fives.  There were a few bands playing- the Temple University marching band, and then random bands set up on the side of the road.  All the runners seemed to be in good moods and everyone we bumped into was really friendly.  Amanda and I kept a nice, even pace and I really felt great!  We were able to talk all the way up to mile 7 where I started to get fatigued.  Then, after mile 8 I got pretty tired, but then when we got to mile 9.5 and I knew I was definitely going to finish, I felt invigorated.  I saw the mayor of Philadelphia on the sidelines and that made me smile.

Right before the finish we saw a man get down on one knee and propose to his girlfriend!  She said yes!  How special to see that.

And then we were done!  What a mob scene.  It took me 2.5 hours to get home after finishing the race. But we had such a great time, and we plan to do it again next year... but take public transportation the whole way.

Amanda and I were remarking that at 33, we are in better physical shape than we were at 23.  I am glad that exercise and health are a priority in my life- as I watch my grandparents (and even my parents!) age, I want to take care of myself so I can feel good as long as I possibly can.  I also want to set an example for my children that exercise can be fun, and that it's an important part of life.  I am glad I was able to train, and then run this race, so soon after Charlotte's birth.

I'm glad it's over, but now I'm looking forward to my next race!

benjamin and asher's 3rd birthday party

I re-read my notes from last year, which said, "keep it simple." I was so proud of myself for keeping this in mind as I planned- order pizzas, make a big cake instead of cupcakes.  I didn't do much decorating, or have a theme, or make silly (but delicious) cake pops for favors.

And what a perfect day we had for the party!  Sunny with a high in the low 70s!

But we had to wake the boys from their nap, and they were dragging.  Asher definitely seemed under the weather, so he wasn't having nearly as much fun as he did last year.

Charlotte's first time in a swing

She fell asleep

3 of us going down the 40' wooden slide

It was fun!

Waiting for cake

"Happy Birthday to you..."

Trying to blow out candles

And that is it for pictures, because as I was cutting the cake for the other party-goers, my mom said, "Asher looks like he's going to throw up..."  and a short minute later, he did.  Fortunately Eric swung him to the garbage can and there was no muss, no fuss.  But some of our guests pretty much leapt up and left the party.  I can't say I blame them!  He tried to throw up one more time when we got home, but then after Advil and a bath he rebounded and was asking for crackers.  I did give him some, and they seem to have stayed down, so I have my fingers crossed it wasn't anything serious.  What perfect timing my love bug has!

Birthdays this year haven't been great- Pierrette's funeral on my dad's birthday, Passover for the boys' actual birthday, my grandmother dying on Eric's birthday, and now vomit at the birthday party.  Good thing we get to try again next year.

Charlotte: 4 months old

tummy time for a tired girl

"Don't forget you want my picture, too!" (and yes, that is chocolate all over his face)

Charlotte with Daddy on his birthday

Charlotte's 4 month update:
Height and Weight: We have our doctor's appointment on Thursday, but at our research appointment at the Monell Center 2 weeks ago, she was 16 lbs.  I wouldn't be surprised if she's 17 lbs by our appointment.  This is to say: she is a solid chunk of love bug!  She has rolls all up her legs and boy, are they delicious. I get great pleasure from nibbling on them!

Clothing size: She's into 6 months clothes from Carter's and 6-12 months clothes from Old Navy and Gap.  She has a ton of adorable summer stuff- rompers, dresses with bloomers- that I can't wait to get her in.  We had a few days of spring/summer-like weather last week and I got all excited, but now it's cold again.

She's wearing size 3 diapers!

Milestones: No major milestones this month- she is still rolling front to back, and working on back to front.  She loves to pick things up and put them in her mouth (already!).  She drools a ton, but no teeth in there yet.  She is becoming a champion thumbsucker, like her big brother.  She is so cute when she does it, because she fans the rest of her hand out over her entire face.  She started to enjoy Sophie the giraffe, and we brought down the Jumperoo for her to play in.

Outings and Adventures: Charlotte's first trip to Maine!  Our trip went well, and she is a seasoned traveler.  We've been bowling again, back to the zoo, and yesterday she ran a 5k with me in the city.

Routine/Schedule: We still don't have a schedule.  At this point, I am not sure what to do- when the boys are home, we usually spend the morning doing an activity that they like to do and that will tire them out for an afternoon nap.  She'll take cat naps, but she is now aware of what's going on around her, so she doesn't just sleep through all the commotion.  I am trying to figure out what her natural bedtime is- she had been staying up with me til about 9 or so but lately that has not been working.  Tonight she was asleep by 8, so we'll aim for that again tomorrow.  I remember the boys falling into a schedule around 5 months, so that is my hope for Charlotte, too.

She still breastfeeds on demand, probably 8-10 times a day.  She may be going through a growth spurt right now, because she is eating a little more at feedings than she was a week or so ago.  You'd think with all this nursing that I'd have lost all the baby weight, but I haven't.

Favorite food: Her only food- breast milk!  She is starting to watch me eat and it's possible she'll be interested in food soon.  I am not sure that I'll make all those purees I made for the boys- I might just overcook veggies and things for her, and let her feed herself.

Favorite person: She's not so picky!  Charlotte has a smile ready for everyone, and no stranger anxiety yet.  Of course she loves me, since I breastfeed her, but she also loves her daddy, her big brothers, her Meema and Papa Nick, and her aunts and uncles.  And they all love her.

ETA: at her 4 month appointment on April 25, Charlotte weighed 17 lbs, 1.5 oz (91st percentile) and was 25 1/2" long (83rd percentile).

all over the place

I am not sure what to say- it has been a very difficult week.  After my grandmother passed away on Friday, I got word on Saturday morning that a former client of mine had also died on Friday, most likely a suicide.  I just felt like I couldn't bear it, it was too much sadness all at once.

We spent the weekend mourning, and remembering, my grandma.  There were parts that were nice- my sister and I went on a long jog, I got to see cousins, family, and friends who I don't see often, and there was a lot of food at all times.  But we also cried, and I went to bed with a headache from crying every night.

The hard part now is seeing my grandpa.  He keeps saying, "I'll be with her soon" and "I'm not long for this world."  For his sake, I hope he is not around for long- he seems so sad and lonely.  Understandably; he lost his wife of 69 years.  He doesn't really have much to live for.  Of course I will miss him when he is gone, but when I look at him, the spark is gone from his eyes.  I truly cannot imagine how he feels, given how bereft everyone else feels.

We're trying to get back to our lives.  I'm grateful for my children, because they keep me busy with day-to-day activities, and remind me of how wonderful life can be.  They are sweet, perfect miracles.  And that's life- my grandmother gave life to my mother, who gave life to me, so I could give it to my children.  Now we have to carry out her legacy.

Here are the things I hope we carry on:
Optimism
Kindness
Generosity
Humor
Love
Affection
Adventure
and many more, but those are the few that first come to mind.  I hope that in my life, and in my children's lives, we are as happy and fulfilled as she was.

In terms of moving on, I am getting ready to run a 10 mile race in 2 weeks.  I am really not sure how I'll do it, or if I'll actually finish, but we'll see.  Today I ran a 5k with Charlotte in the stroller, and I ran every mile under 10 minutes.  I know this isn't particularly fast for people who are real runners, but a 10-minute mile is about as good as I get, and to do it with a baby in a stroller is an accomplishment for me.

We have the boys' birthday party next weekend, for which I've done about zero planning.  No plates/cups/napkins, no decorations, nothing.  I will, of course, bake them cake, and I figure if I order pizza, no one will care about anything else.

Throughout this past week, I've felt so lucky to have the friends and family we have.  So many people turned up for the funeral and to sit shiva.  We were given more food than we could eat.  People were generous with their time and with their gifts.  There were phone calls and cards.  I know I have a great family, and I rely on them a great deal, but now I know we have friends we can rely on as well.

I know this post was all over the place, but so is my mind.  Charlotte turns 4 months old tomorrow, so there will be more, and happier, things to think about.

Goodbye, Grandma Sonia

My grandma Sonia died today.  She was 88.  She died in bed, with my grandpa, her husband of 69 years, holding her hand, and my mom and dad, aunt and uncle next to her.

What a loss.  In some ways, I have already mourned her.  As she faded away, she was less and less the grandmother I knew most of my life, and the woman I want to remember.  But up to the end, she was loving and generous to her core.  The last thing she did this morning was to sign a check to start Charlotte's college fund.

I took the boys to visit Sonia and David on Monday afternoon.  We'd been at a playground near their residence, and Asher asked to visit.  My first response was to say no, because I was hot and sweaty.  But Asher wouldn't take no for an answer, and asked again.  So I said yes.  Thank goodness.  Grandma was up and alert, lying on the couch in her living room.  She was clearly happy to see the kids.  She told me she'd attend Charlotte's baby naming, which was to be later this month.  I hugged her goodbye and gave her a kiss and a squeeze of the hand before we left.  I really thought I'd see her again.  I'm glad that Asher pushed us to visit, and that my last memory of my grandmother is a pleasant and happy one.

I'm sad my children won't know her the way I did.  I'm sad that she and Charlotte had so little time together.  I imagine that they would have been close, just as Sonia and I were.  It is the cycle of life, that Charlotte should grow and thrive as her great-grandparents age and pass away.

My poor grandfather looked so forlorn when I saw him tonight.  I cannot imagine him sleeping alone in the double bed that they shared for the entirety of their marriage- from a time when couples still slept in separate twin beds until a time when couples slept in one bed of increasing size.  They were each others' constant companion.  The night I took Grandpa David to the ER in October, she called me several times to check on him, even though I delivered him home by midnight.  And when I got there, she was still sitting up, waiting for him.  What will he do without Grandma to wait for him?  It is impossible to imagine one of them without the other.

How lucky I am to have known, and had such a wonderful relationship with, my grandmother.  And I'm happy that she met all 3 of my children.  I will miss her so much.  I still can't believe she's truly gone- she was fine on Monday, fine this morning, and now I'll never see her again.  She meant so much to so many, and will be missed by us all.